Don Bower, DPA, CFCS One of the hardest tasks of parenthood, but also one of the most important and rewarding, is teaching a child about sexuality. What do you say? When do you start? We live in a sexually open society where movies, songs, and conversations often include references to sex. Advertising sells products with sex, and radio and TV programs use sexual situations to entertain us. You can help your son understand that many of these depictions or illustrations of sex are shallow. Commercialized sex is misleading because it shows sex only as glamorous and trouble-free. By helping your son to understand the special significance of our sexuality, you can begin to develop conversations with him about sex as well as help him to make positive sexual choices. Try to remember your own early curiosity about sex. What did you want to know? How did you find answers to your questions? What do you wish had been different about your education or experiences? You may remember that much of what you learned from friends, or pieced together yourself, turned out to be untrue. Even though our society probably treats sexuality differently today than when you were a teen, young people still have many of the same questions and needs that you did. What your son really needs is for you to provide answers to his questions, to be there to listen, and to help him to form educated opinions and decisions. This can be accomplished through everyday conversations with your child. In fact, when sexuality is discussed as a part of everyday situations, rather than having the "big talk," parents (and youth) often find the experience more comfortable. To help you with this, consider the following issues as you guide your son in understanding his sexuality and sexual decisions. Physical Changes Boys need to understand that the changes they are feeling are normal and happen at different rates for different boys. The awkwardness will not last. They also need to know what to expect in terms of a growth spurt, hair growth, genital growth, and "wet dreams." Parents should also familiarize themselves with, and teach their sons, the following terms: ejaculation, erection, hormones, penis, prostate gland, scrotum, semen, sperm cell, testicle, and testosterone. In addition, boys need to know the physical changes that girls experience in puberty. There are many resources for parents and teens about these changes and terms listed at the end of this publication. Sexual Intercourse Boys wonder exactly what it is, how it feels, and when it is okay to have intercourse. They also need to know the place of intercourse within a loving relationship. Explain that intercourse occurs when a man places his erect penis inside a woman's vagina, and that this can lead to pregnancy. Teens also need to understand that it is never okay to have intercourse unless both partners understand the consequences and willingly agree. Masturbation Boys need to know that this is one way that many people handle their sexual feelings and pressures. If you are uncomfortable addressing this issue with your son, give him resources to learn about this on his own. Reassure your son that getting familiar and comfortable with his own body, how it functions, and how it responds to touching is a normal part of understanding himself. Masturbation is very common among males and females. Contrary to some old beliefs, it does no physical harm. Peer Pressure Young men need to learn how to handle the pressures friends will put on them to become sexually active. Your son will be tempted in many situations over the course of his adolescent years. Learning to handle sexual feelings and to make mature decisions is part of growing up. Many teens are very intolerant of differences among their friends, including narrow definitions of how "real men" behave. This pressure can be very troubling to boys who may not fit that stereotype. Decision-Making One of the most important choices your son will make is when to have intercourse. Delaying intercourse until maturity is beneficial for teens, but many of them need help and support to do so. Of course, the teen years are filled with lots of decisions about other risky behavior, too. Coping with the consequences of good and poor decisions is an important step to maturity. Values Many boys feel a tremendous pressure to "score" with girls as a way of proving their manhood. They fear being called "gay" or "sissy" if they don't put sexual pressure on girls. Talk with your son about making responsible decisions as well as the difference between positive and negative popularity.
If a young person decides to delay having sex, this does not mean that the decision will stay made. Young people have to make this decision over and over again, which may become increasingly difficult. Therefore, it is essential to talk with your son about protecting himself and his partner, and how to use birth control correctly. This part of sexuality education is as essential as all others, even if your child intends to delay intercourse. Some parents fear that discussing contraception will encourage sexual activity, but the opposite is true. Many parents assume that their son knows all about birth control, where to get it, and how to properly use it. Unfortunately, he probably does not. The resources listed at the end of this brochure will help you and your son familiarize yourselves with methods and their effectiveness. Important topics are abstinence, birth control pills, IUD/intrauterine devices, diaphragms, foam, condoms, and natural family planning. Many parents include the risks of sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS, when discussing contraception.
Perhaps the most important part in teaching your son about sex and his own sexuality is not the facts that you present to him, but the manner and sincerity with which you deliver those facts. Letting your children know your values and expectations is very important. Despite how you may sometimes feel, teens still look to parents as an important source of guidance and boundaries. Regardless of what values are taught in your home, young people will consider many attitudes and opinions before they decide on their own sexual values. Be patient and understanding as your son explores ideas and makes decisions. And always keep the lines of communication open. In addition, keep the following points in mind:
Listen, listen, listen. All children need to feel that their ideas or concerns about sex are worth listening to. Look for natural opportunities to talk with your child. Don't wait until your son comes to you with questions or comments about sex. Take advantage of natural openings to talk about sexuality (e.g., television programs, newspaper stories or in the car). Listen carefully for hidden feelings. Children sometimes have trouble saying exactly what they mean, especially when it comes to sex. Try to avoid judging your child. Making harsh judgments or criticizing your child's attitudes about sex will often cut off communication. Let your child express his feelings freely. Many young people have values or opinions about sex that are different from those of their parents. Remember, these may not be firmly held ideas or values, but only part of the sorting-out process. First, listen to what your son has to say. If you agree, say so. If you disagree, clearly state your own viewpoint and why you feel that way. Don't cut off communication. Parents sometimes lose the chance to help their son think and talk about sex because they begin to nag, preach or moralize. Your son needs to know that talking about sex is two-way communication. Pose questions to your son that, when he answers, will help make the best decision obvious. Avoid over-/under-answering questions. Answer questions directly, in words your son understands. Don't assume that a simple question about sex needs an answer far beyond what was asked. Ask him to share back with you what he understands has been said. Help your adolescent develop strong self-esteem. A healthy self-concept is important for teens to make good decisions about sexual issues. A well-known educator has said, "Hope is the best contraceptive."
On a final note, remember that there are plenty of resources for you as parents to help you talk effectively with your son about sexuality. You do not need to be an expert to talk effectively with your children. You may want to keep a reference book in the home, not only for your own knowledge but also as a resource for your children when they want to explore issues on their own. If you do not have a partner of the other sex, consider asking a trusted friend to talk occasionally with your son from that perspective. The resources listed below, and many others available from your library or bookstore, will give you information and encouragement to answer many of the questions that you or your child might have. Selected Sexuality Education Resources For Parents And Teens Books
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