Helping Friends Through Losses

At this stage in life, you have probably learned to cope with many losses, big and small. Job termination, children marrying and moving, health limitations, the death of friends -- all these take a toll.

You may have also found friends and family to share your burden during times of grief. Have you noticed how some friends really seemed to know just how you felt? Just their presence was a safe harbor in your stormy sea.

On the other hand, some well-meaning friends actually seem not to understand, and some times say or do things that hurt rather than comfort you. For example, research shows that the following kinds of comments usually sound insensitive:

• "I know exactly how you feel."
  
• "Call me if you need something."
  
• "You're lucky you had so many years together."
  
• "You should be over it by now."
  
• "You'll find another (spouse, pet, job) soon -- don't worry!"
  
• "You're lucky he didn't suffer long."
  
• "She's in a better place now."
  
• "It was God's will."
  
• "Let's not talk about him -- it's not good to dredge up all those memories."
  

Sometimes the most supportive thing to do is to say nothing -- just be there to listen, without interrupting. When they are finished talking, ask questions to make sure that you understand, such as, "What do you mean when you say, ‘My family doesn't listen to me'?"

Restate what the person has said to be certain that you understand. For example, "Do you mean that your family doesn't do what you'd like them to do?"

Allow them to express their feelings. Accept the feelings being talked about. Avoid criticizing or telling your friend not to feel that way.

Be careful not to push. Find out how much the person wants to share or reveal. For example, ask, "Do you want to say more about it, or would you prefer to stop now?"

Avoid giving advice or suggestions. What worked for you may or may not be the best solution for your friend.

People cope with losses in different ways, taking different lengths of time to "recover." If you are sincere about providing continuing support, think through your own limitations:

• In what way(s) are you going to help (as a friend, substitute family, driver, or other)?
  
• How much time and effort can you put into helping your friend?
  
• How long can you help in this situation?
  
• What are your personal limits on when and how you can help?

In general, a bereaved person will make a better recovery if he/she:

• accepts the fact that no amount of wishful thinking can bring the loved one back.
  
• expresses as much grief as he feels.
  
• makes an effort to adjust to things.
  
• assumes that he has to help himself instead of letting time solve everything.
  
• remembers that others have experienced grief and sorrow.
  
• forms new relationships and develops new interests.
  
• talks about his loss to others.
  
• gives emotional support to other members of the family.
  
• recognizes that complete adjustment is never achieved but that pain lessens with time.
  
• expects his recovery to follow a pattern of "two steps forward and one step backward."
  
• tries to build a new life instead of trying to keep things the same.
  
• accepts the emotional support of others.
  
• has a meaningful religious faith.
  
• has adequate financial reserves.
  
• has close ties with family, relatives, and friends.
  
• accepts sorrow instead of trying to escape from it.

• Has your friend changed? Has your friend been acting differently?
  
• Has your friend become withdrawn, avoiding other people and activities?
  
• Is your friend unusually suspicious or fearful?
  
• Does your friend talk of being overwhelmed and not able to go on much longer?
  
• Does your friend's drinking habits interfere with his or her daily living, relationships, or responsibilities?
  
• Does your friend talk of wishing to be dead or have other thoughts of suicide?
  
• Do you feel inside yourself that something is "really wrong" even though you can't pinpoint the problem?
  
• Talk to your friend about the possible need for counseling and assist your friend in finding professional help.

Your Health

Balance Food with Activity

The U.S. Department of Agriculture updated the Dietary Guidelines for Americans in 1995. One of the guidelines, "Maintain healthy weight," now includes more emphasis on the importance of physical activity. The new guideline is "Balance the food you eat with physical activity - maintain or improve your weight."

Many Americans gain weight as they age. Yet, for good health, most people should not gain weight. Maintaining a healthy weight comes from a balance of eating right and exercising. Physical activity is an important way to use food energy and prevent weight gain.

The American College of Sports Medicine and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend that all adults participate in some moderate form of exercise 30 minutes or more every day. Regular exercise has many benefits. It can reduce risk of heart disease, help maintain a healthy weight, and foster psychological well-being. Strength- building exercise can help seniors continue to live independently.

If you are inactive, try to become more active. Ten minutes of walking three different times during the day would give a total of 30 minutes of exercise. Any activity is better than none. And if you are already active, try to continue the same level of activity as you age.

When you exercise, you need to replace fluids. The best way to replace fluid is to drink lots of water. Fruit can also provide some fluid, as well as vitamins and minerals. Try "Sparkling Fruit" to make plain fruit more exciting.

SPARKLING FRUIT

½ cup fruit (sliced strawberries or peaches, or melon balls)
¼ teaspoon lemon juice
2 Tablespoons ginger ale
mint sprigs, if desired

Place fruit in serving bowl or fruit cup and chill. Sprinkle lemon juice and ginger ale over fruit right before serving. Garnish with mint if desired.
Yield: 1 (½ cup) serving

Nutrition Analysis per serving:
Calories 33
Fat 0 g
Cholesterol 3 mg
Sodium 3 mg
Vitamin C 42 mg

Your Resources

Make a Personal Property Inventory

A personal property inventory is a household inventory. There are many reasons to make a list of all your valuable possessions.:

• It helps you determine how much insurance to buy.
  
• It provides a basis for filing insurance claims in the event of loss by fire, burglary, etc..
  
• In the event of separation or divorce, it provides evidence of ownership.
  
• In the event of widowhood or death, it provides evidence of who owns what for evaluating the estate and distributing property to heirs.
  
• It indicates the value of your possessions for your Financial Statement.
  

Rooms and items included in the workbook are the entrance hall, living room, dining room, kitchen, den, bedrooms, bathrooms, recreation room, laundry and basement, garage, sporting equipment, men's clothing, women's clothing, children's clothing, jewelry, electrical appliances, linens, and miscellaneous. The workbook allows you to list the number of items, the date the item was acquired, the cost or other basis, and the fair market value.

To order this free publication, call 1-800-829-3676 (1-800-Tax-Form) or write the IRS Forms Distribution Center. The address is Eastern Area Distribution Center, PO Box 85074, Richmond, VA, 23261-5074.

Set aside a few days to complete your inventory. Start with your most valuable possessions, such as antiques, art, collections, computer and camera equipment, and fine jewelry. List furnishings and appliances room by room. Take photos or a videotape of valuable items and keep them with the inventory. File your personal property inventory in your financial notebook, but be sure to keep a copy in another safe place, such as in your safe deposit box or with a friend.

Source: A Money Management Workbook, AARP, 1992, p. 19-20. Non business Disaster, Casualty, and Theft Loss Workbook, IRS, publication 485.

The University of Georgia and Ft. Valley State College, the U.S. Department of Agriculture and counties of the state cooperating. The Cooperative Extension Service offers educational programs, assistance and materials to all people without regard to race, color, national origin, age, sex, or disability. For large print, taped or braille editions of this publication, contact the author.

An Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action Organization Committed to a Diverse Work Force

DP-RM&HD-099 March, 1996

Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, The University of Georgia College of Agricultural and Environmental Sciences and the U.S. Department of Agriculture cooperating.

Gale A. Buchanan, Dean and Director